The Strangest Things....

For over a year now I've been trying to convince my dad to come over and clean my house - for money of coarse. He's unemployed and every time The Husband and I go over there for Sunday dinner my dad slips in to the conversation at least once about how he has to conserve his money now that he's unemployed (again). He works in the summers and gets laid off for the winters. Every time he states he wants more spending money that he can come and clean my house. I feel this is a fair trade since it's exactly what I had to do to get any money for anything I wanted when I was growing up.

Every time I bring up my dad cleaning my house he tells me it's too disgusting, which it's not, it's just covered in pet hair. All I really want is my house to be vacuumed an extra time a week. We vacuum it every Sunday (and if company is coming over at least an extra three more times that week) but when you have four, count 'em four, shedding hair monsters, two hours later there are hair tumble weeks rolling across the living room floor as big as a jackalope.

Today my dad was talking about what he was going to be doing on this time off, he started listing off his tasks and when he got to the last one where I typically inject "and come over and clean my house" I added "and come over and work on my bedroom remodel."

Instead of getting a "uh. no." response I got "Oh? What are you doing?"

He was genuinely interested in coming over to work on my remodel. I can get him to paint and put up trim for FREE but I can't get him to come vacuum my house for money.

The weather is caused by my bathroom

The weather this past weekend, cold generally shitty out, was in-fact caused by the rare temporary dip in Hell's temperature over the weekend creating near freezing like conditions. It was reported that there were even frost spotted on the ground in some remote areas.

What caused this anomaly, the residents of Hell were very perplexed as were the surface dwellers for the unusual weather. Upon further investigation it was reveled that the small bathroom renovation is complete. Almost. Close enough to call done in the home owners eyes at least.

Hell might have stayed chilly for at least a week as it seems the homeowners were to finally finish up a housing project, but instead went right in to yet another housing renovation. Much to the satisfaction of the residents of Hell.

There was some momentary excitement in Hell due to the dip in temperature as the Lion's fans residing in Hell thought that there was a possibility that the Lions might actually win a game.

The funny thing that happened at work.

The back Story:

For the past few years' we've been plagued with a lunch thief at work. For the most part no one shared with each other that random items of lunch would go missing and just assumed that it was just a random happenstance. Then one day I was in the break room making myself a delicious toast & jam for breakfast.

I was stirring my jam with my sweet plastic knife spreading my toast and then licking the knife. I'm not talking just a quick lick, it was a full wet-dog kiss like lick on the knife, then back in to the jar it goes. I did this a few times just minding my own business when another lady I work with started watching me. I just kept on doing what I was doing until dumb-foundedly my co-worker looked at me and said "What the HELL are you doing?" I replied "Oh, people keep eating my jams when I bring them in, I don't know who, so this is my way to sticking it to 'em." My co-worker started roaring with laughter, you know, the belly laugh, because she thought that was the best idea ever.

We then started talking about missing food items and come to find out she too was a victim of food thief. Her stories were much worse than my missing jam. She had actual items missing from her lunch sack that had her name all over it. She even left notes in her lunch snack saying "don't touch" and "If it's not yours don't eat it." and my personal favorite.... "FUCK YOU!"

This started to open the conversation and we then learned that almost everyone was experiencing food theft, some are more angry then others. I am annoyed but at the same time find it rather sad/funny that this is going on with grown adults.

That brings us to today's events....

Or, should I say yesterdays, since it started yesterday.

I brought in a PB&J wrap (with apples) I ate a little less than half the wrap and then decided to put it in the break room refrigerator. It has been noted that most food items that have been a product of thievery have been in one of the fridges.

I took my half eaten wrap, wrapped it paper towel and then put it in a plastic bag with my name in all capitals the length of the bag. Two of my other co-works were in the break room as I was putting this away. They two had been victims of food thieves. I said I'm putting this right up front to be temping, because it looks like it could be delicious burrito but it is not.

I left it there until this afternoon, I was heading to my car when I had the notion that I should return to the fridge to throw out my PB&J with apples wrap. If it has not been swiped from the fridge then it surely should be thrown out by this time. I found my sammy, in a new position in the fridge (nothing odd that happens all the time) then I pulled it out, check, there's my name, as I was crossing the room to waste basket I looked at the sammy and then realized it was shorter and the paper towel was wrapped differently.

No. fucking. way.

I opened the bag, pulled it out and unwrapped the wrap.

Yes, fucking way.

Someone did in fact take bites out of my wrap, then wrapped it back up (differently so much differently that it set me off to know there was something wrong) and put it back in the fridge.

It then took me an extra hour to leave work because naturally I had to run down to my co-worker who caught me licking my knife and tell her of the sammy with a few bites missing.

Oh, food thievery it is so on now.

Game Fuel...WTF.

Mountain Dew...er I mean MTN Dew is the go to drink for nerds and gamers alike.

Why is this...I do not know. Why do huge nerds need to have massive amounts of sugar and caffeine? Do D&D sessions really last three days where you must be alert to roll your dice and say "magic missiles" or "Lighting Bolt?"

...And really... should people who sit at their computers doing nothing but clicking a mouse need such calories? Maybe they should stick to water and celery, because they are not burning enough calories to warrant such high calorie and sweet drinks.

However, that's not the case.

Pepsi, the owners of Mountain Dew, figured out this anomaly and decided to market to gamers....yes gamers. You know the ones, the weird ones at work, that most likely still live in their parents basement and are pasty white. Most likely a ginger because they can't go outside since they fry like bacon in the sun.

They probably work in your tech department or are software engineers. Yeah, you know the ones. The one you run in to in Meijers at 1:30 a.m. buying...you guessed it MTN Dew and...binders. Don't ask what the binders are for you don't really want to know.

Pepsi, last summer had the "gamer" edition of MTN Dew. It was Halo Mountain Dew (at that point it was still "Mountain Dew and not MTN Dew). I tried it. It was alright. Actually I think it was just "Mountain Dew Code Red" with a new Halo-esq name.

This year they are targeting the World of Warcraft players...AKA WoW, or WOW or for those really lazy, wow. They have two kinds of MTN Dew, Horde flavor and Alliance Flavor.

-Woha Stop- Have to do some nerd jargon speak. There are two main "teams" in WoW. You guessed it Horde and Alliance. They fight each other. Get in to more of that later.

If you haven't guessed it, I do play WoW. I'm even part ginger (my mom's a true red-head), but alas, I do not live in my parents basement...any more. Okay, I never lived in my parents basement but that's where the computer was so it's almost the same thing.

The WoW MTN Dew, isn't just a new flavor, no...this one includes a game, where you can enter in points and win items, and your team can "win" daily. Yeah, that's the horde v. alliance teams.

I saw something when I logged in to WoW about a week ago, something on the news page about "get your battle bot now!" "Eh...whatever" I thought. It's like that stupid earn an awesome pet. (A pet in game is just some random small animal that follows you around, and does nothing other then add extra pixels on screen)

Then as I was at Meijers...picking up some Mountain Dew, the old school stuff, Throwback flavor 'cause it's teh awesome. As I'm looking up from reaching way way back on the shelf to find the glorious Throwback Mountain Dew my eyes meet...an orc.

WTF...

Now my interest is peaked. An Orc on a MTN Dew box. I read it, again went WTF. Laughed, in Meijer, people looked at me funny. I went on my merry way. I went home, logged on, checked out the news post for real this time and ended up sighing up on the MTN Dew site.

You know I soooooo signed up for the horde side. Even made the banner...

The Use of Toothpaste.

I never thought that one persons use of toothpaste could ever annoy me as much as is does.

Husband is the messiest toothpaste applicator I've ever seen in my life. Even small children who have to have parents help at apply toothpaste are much tidier than Husband.

Every day when I flip up the toothpaste cap it's covered....and I do mean covered in toothpaste. That happens, that I can live with you just wash it off, but the thing that is really irking me is how much toothpaste he uses.

Toothpaste is not cheep. I would like it if he could make a conscious effort to help save some money throughout the year, but toothpaste will not be his sacrifice. (actually on a side note, nothing will be his sacrifice and that's where most of our fights come from but I digress.) When he puts toothpaste on the toothbrush he completely coats the entire head of the brush with a thick glob of toothpaste and then, I swear, tries to make it curl back up like the Aquafresh box art work.

It's a PEA SIZED amount, not equivalent of length of an Asparagus.

I mentioned it to him once, his abnormal use of toothpaste...he told me it was the toothpastes fault because it's so runny.

Funny, I seem to do just fine dispensing a pea sized amount on my toothbrush twice a day.

It tasted like an ass sandwich.

In truth I do not know what an ass sandwich but if I were ever to imagine what an ass sandwich tasted like it would be what I tried to make for dinner tonight.

It had a slightly pungent aroma, a sour, yet salty taste with a hint of lemon, or if it were really an ass sandwich then you’d just call it acid flavor, but since this was really a meal it can be “hint of lemon.”

This meal was a fish meal…tuna…from a can. Canned tuna cooking smells like morning after bar farts, however most of the time you mix the tuna with yummy smells and they balance each other out. Like nutmeg. A pinch of nutmeg makes everything smell better, and depending on what you are making taste better too. I’ve found nutmeg to be a wonderful compliment to anything that uses hot sauce.

The meal looked pretty. I had black olives, red tomatoes, green capers and red pepper flakes all mixed in with the bar fart white tuna. That colorful mixture is then tossed with short cut noodles. (Penne/farfel) The colorful looking dish does nothing for the ass sandwich taste.

Before mixing the mixture in with the noodles I sampled a small portion. Thank God, I sample my food when I’m cooking because I spit it out…in the pan, but don’t tell Husband that. He’s kind of a weirdo when it comes to food.

I likened the taste to, yep an ass sandwich. How do I come up with ass sandwich? Simple, imagine a hot humid summer day. So humid and hot it’s stifling, you don’t want to move, and your hair sticks to your scalp. You sweat if you even dare to breathe in the hot heavy air around you. At some point you lick your lips and taste that salty stale taste. Now image how your butt is feeling, sweaty, salty, stinky, marinating it its own trapped heat. It would be a hundred times worse than the salty stale sweat left on your lips, and create a nice aroma to go with the sweaty marinade in your pants. That’s what the sauce tasted like. The noodles act as the bread. Hey, carbs are carbs are carbs.

There you have it, ass sandwich.

We had Frosted Flakes for Dinner. They’re GrrrrrrrrATE!

Hell is about to freeze over.

The bathroom window was trimmed out today. Amazing.

My husband decided he wanted to trim out the bathroom. I was more than okay with that since I did ALL THE OTHER WORK. hummph. I seem to be a little miffy, only when he claims it as "our bathroom project" until three weeks ago it was my project.

So, three weeks ago he decided he was going to stain and trim out the windows. We had a "discussion" about putting up the trim and then staining it or staining it before putting it up. Husband decided that you must stain all of the trim first so you can match the stain better. I disagreed, because you'd have blemishes from the saw cuts and holes you'd need to fill and then stain over. (And also because I watched my dad try it both ways and learned that even if you have to tape around your trim it's still easier and looks better than if you stain it before you hang it).

Since this was Husbands project I let it be. He stained it, then put it up. Then today after the trim is all up around the window he comes to me and said, "I think that next window I'll stain it AFTER I put it up...because there is a bunch of stuff I need to fill and touch up."

Oh, I so said "I told you so."